Online Dating

Burrel Lee Wilks III
585
25 7

Les came to me a few months ago, fearful that his wife was having an affair. They’d been having problems, and she was spending more and more time out of the house, apparently out with friends. Les didn’t believe her for a second, and spent the time stewing at home, dialing her cell number, and on more than one occasion, cruising around to see if he could see her out and about.
As soon as she came home, she’d be given a relentless grilling, and over time she shut him down entirely. Communication dried up, and the relationship was, it appeared, all but over.
He looked dreadful: tried, overwrought and overweight. His skin was bad, his breath was nasty, and he displayed all the classic signs of a guy who was being eaten up, from the inside out.
And of course all this desperation and jealousy was not only making him sad and sick, it was driving her further and further away too! His lack of trust in her was not only deeply insulting but was eroding anything good they’d ever had.
Now Les desperately wanted to get out of this horrible mess, and was willing to work with me to completely change his perspective and behaviors.
I can guarantee that letting your jealousy show is a fail-safe way to lose your dignity, dismantle your self-esteem and frankly, ruin your life! Nothing will ruin a relationship or marriage faster than jealously. It creates anxiety, anger, loneliness, hate and fear. No one thinks clearly when they’re jealous.
Having a relationship with a jealous person is no fun either. Jealousy makes the person unattractive, even transforming them from lover and supporter, to enemy.
No one wants a jealous partner and no one likes being jealous. So how come so many people are?
In my experience there are a number of reasons, but the primary cause is a breakdown in communications, and this usually happens for one of two reasons:
Something has changed, and for some reason you don’t feel able to communicate openly and honestly anymore…
Or perhaps one or both partners are manipulating their power by withholding information out of anger, hurt or even just plain thoughtlessness.
Both situations create communication “black-holes” which are then easily filled with fill fear, fury and fantasy.
Communication vacuums open up room for tons of tough questions from the jealous guy. “Has she found someone she likes better than me?” “Is she cheating on me?” “Is she going to leave me?” “Has she found someone richer, younger, funnier?”
When you’re jealous you assume the worst:
“Maybe she’ll fall in love with her personal trainer and leave me.”
“She’s going to lunch with her boss because she’s having an affair with him.”
“She’s not answering the phone because she’s in bed with some guy in a motel!” You know how that one goes? I bet you felt pretty stupid too, when she came in from the supermarket carrying loads of groceries, but even as you unpacked those groceries I bet you were still looking for clues that she’d been cheating!
Wow. We sure make life tough for ourselves sometimes.
So how do you handle these awful feelings of jealousy? How do you deal with a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend who is jealous?
First if you are jealous, you need to communicate. You need to stop assuming the worst and ask questions. Open up the lines again. Don’t be aggressive, defensive, confrontation or prickly.
Second, and just as important, you have to stop looking thirsty for reassurance. How on earth can she respect you, if you don’t respect yourself enough to control your fears and paranoia?
Thirdly, you have to remind yourself why you are together in the first place, and understand that a relationship is only worth keeping alive if you CAN trust each other. If that trust is lost forever, then maybe it’s time to move on.
Remember, jealousy is demeaning and humiliation. It is a sign of weakness and fear. In the end the fastest way to kill the monster has nothing to do with your partner, and everything to do with you. When you have great self-esteem, jealousy has no choice but to pack it’s bags, and leave town!

Andy Balasis
378
25 7

Gay dating has been scrutinized for many years, and in history it has been known that men who were openly gay were not only abused but some were even killed. Gay dating has been a controversy for many, many years but as of lately people have come to realise that there is nothing wrong with gay dating. Gay men are as natural as a straight couple. There is no difference, they love each other the same, the commitment issues are still the same and the only thing different is that they are of the same sex.
Gay men are everywhere; they can be your next door neighbour or the admin guy at your work. They are the same as any other person and should not be criticised just because of their sexual nature. In today’s world we can land on the moon, we can trace people back to the dawn of time and we can tell who someone is from a tiny spot of blood so why is their still prejudice towards gay couples?
However, recent changes in law and governments have shows that the prejudice towards gay people is receding, and about time too. New laws in the United Kingdom have allowed gay couples to be married, known as a civil partnership, following in the steps of other countries such as Canada, Netherlands and Spain.
Gay dating has come a long way from its dark history. People are now openly gay and it’s not just people like you and me, Elton John is openly gay and has just been through a civil partnership to his partner in full view of the media. Gay exposure does wonders for the cause. It opens up the world in a new light to others to let them see that there is nothing wrong with a gay couple. That they live normal day to day lives and feel the same as every other couple does. People have only now just started to realize life is no longer greener on the other side! They realize there is online gay club, gay personals, lesbian dating at www.onlinegayclub.com where they can be themselves.

Sue Urda
338
25 7

“I forgive you.” These three words can be the most freeing words spoken. They offer immediate release, immediate acceptance and immediate love and compassion.
These words need not even be spoken aloud. They can be a silent statement – a thought, almost a prayer. When we forgive someone for a wrong they have committed, we not only free the other person of guilt, responsibility and perhaps pain – more importantly, we free ourselves.
Of course, to forgive someone means we have decided that they wronged us, hurt us or interfered with our wishes. It also means that we judged them to be wrong and hold them responsible for some offense. This in itself may not be fair or right – because, who are we to judge another? Who are we to impose guilt and remorse? Who are we to impede the freedom of another by holding them accountable? It is the judgment itself that inhibits. It is the judgment itself that stifles.
So, how do we not judge another? Each of us has certain expectations – many of them are implied by societal norms. The many expectations, in and of themselves, restrict certain freedoms and actions. How do we not judge? Perhaps we can simply allow.
Allowing a mistake on the part of another, so there is no need for forgiveness, is a place we can all come to. Allowing an occasional misspoken word, allowing a thoughtless act, allowing an uncharacteristic, unkind moment. If we could always keep top of mind the basic goodness and light and love of the person before us, then perhaps we could allow a misstep or an error in judgment, words or deeds. Allowing helps to free everyone in the interaction – the doer and the receiver.
Perhaps too, the most important allowing we can do is with ourselves. Allowing our own growth through a less than optimal situation. Allowing our own growth in a relationship while trying, stumbling and floundering around for the best words, the best actions. Allowing ourselves to indulge a bit now and then. Allowing ourselves to rest, to make a few mistakes here and there and to not push so hard.
Allowing is forgiveness in advance.
Allowing automatically provides freedom. It bypasses the anger, frustration and guilt. It softens the expectations. It heads off the bitterness before it grows.
Is it possible to go into each day, each new interaction openly and with an attitude of allowing? Can we allow the faults of another in advance? Can we also allow our own?
Allowing is the open door to freedom and actiZZZZZ

Heather L. Poole, Attorney at Law
248
25 7

The quickie green card marriage may not be so easy anymore. CIS is limiting green card issuance that can directly impact the immigrant and his or her sponsor’s future. Even if an immigrant is married to a U.S. citizen, if the marriage is less than two years old at the time the green card interview (adjustment of status interview) takes place, U.S. Citizenship & Immigration Services (“CIS”, previously known as INS) will only grant the immigrant a two year green card.
This “conditional green card” will terminate in two years if the couple cannot prove that they are still living together as husband and wife. This requirement was created in 1986 when Congress believed that the only way to counteract fake or sham marriages was to require ongoing proof that the couple still lived together and the marriage was not a mere economic or business transaction.
To convert the conditional (2 year) green card into a permanent green card, the U.S. citizen or legal permanent resident sponsoring spouse and the conditional green card-holding spouse must together to petition to have the condition removed, or else the green card will expire and lawful permanent residency status will be terminated.
This petition must be filed within the 3 month period before the green card expires.
In reality, though, the two year expiration can potentially cause quite a few problems for marriages that were real when the couple wed but are now leading to divorce due to domestic violence, adultery, or other “irreconcilable differences” near the time the immigrant’s green card is expiring. By requiring the cooperation of the petitioning US citizen, in most circumstances, to sign and file to have the condition taken off, the process creates a power-struggle between a feuding couple and worse, gives more power over the immigrant to an abusive U.S. citizen spouse.
There are limited exceptions available to an immigrant when his or her U.S. citizen spouse will not cooperate or help the immigrant file to have the condition taken off of the green card. If a couple separates or divorces at any time after the green card is first issued, it is unlikely that the originally sponsoring U.S. citizen or LPR spouse will cooperate in helping the immigrant spouse release the condition on the green card for a number of reasons. If this happens, the immigrant may be able to apply to have the condition removed from his or her own green card by applying for a waiver. The waiver allows the immigrant to apply to remove the condition on his or her green card without the assistance of their spouse. There are currently three different ways or grounds to apply for a waiver:
(1) good faith or bona fide marriage ground (if your divorce is final at the time of filing);
(2) extreme hardship (to the immigrant if deported to their original country); or
(3) extreme cruelty (proving that the immigrant suffered physical, emotional, or financial abuse from their spouse)
CIS allows an immigrant to apply for any number of these grounds on the same petition. Waivers are generally more difficult to have approved. If an immigrant files a waiver, the current policy is that an interview will be required. If you file a joint petition and depending on the evidence submitted, an interview may not be required.
If an immigrant fails to file for either a waiver or to file a joint petition with the spouse within the 90 day period, the green card will be terminated.
Once a CIS receipt notice is received from CIS, the immigrant will have proof that his or her green card is still valid for another year or until the case is decided, whichever comes first. If the case is still not decided within a year, the green card will be extended for another year and will be extended on an annual basis until the case is decided.
A remaining concern for many immigrants is what happens to their eligibility to apply for U.S. citizenship, especially if the immigrant does not stay with their spouse and instead files a waiver petition on their own. If the immigrant receives their green card through marriage and is still living with their husband or wife 3 years after the green card is initially issued, the immigrant will be eligible to apply for U.S. citizenship, even if the joint petition to remove the condition on the two year green card has not yet been decided. Actually filing for U.S. citizenship will speed up the process of CIS deciding the conditional residency issue, as conditional residency will no longer be an issue if a person has already received U.S. citizenship.
If an immigrant is applying for a waiver because he or she is divorced or for any other reason is not not living with the spouse anymore, then the immigrant will be eligible for citizenship after 5 years in lawful permanent residency status. The one exception to this is if a waiver is approved based on the “extreme cruelty” ground, which requires the immigrant to show that s/he suffered physical, financial, and/or psychological abuse from their spouse. If approved on this ground, the immigrant will be eligible to apply for U.S. citizenship in 3 years, even if not living with the abusive U.S. citizen spouse.
Before deciding whether to stay in a bad marriage, an immigrant must address their available options under both the waiver provisions and the joint petition provisions of the Immigration and Nationality Act. An immigration lawyer may be in the best position to help an immigrant flush out the potential advantages and disadvantages of choosing a particular route and many consultations with immigration attorneys throughout the U.S. are given free of charge. The most important concern remains for immigrants to ensure that a close eye be kept on the expiration date of their conditional green card and not let it expire before seeking legal assistance. To learn more about conditional green cards, visit the U.S. Citizenship & Immigration Services’ website at www.uscis.gov, for a general overviZZZZZ

Jean Fisher
420
25 7

The answer is yes, of course, right? People motivate other people. After all, what about coaches and inspirational speakers? They are paid to motivate other people to do great things.
But ask the parent who would like to see a better report card, the boss who is sure to catch several employees off task at any give time, or the spouse who hates picking up someone else’s dirty laundry from the bathroom floor and you will hear that motivating others is IMPOSSIBLE!
Consider the two types of motivation: intrinsic and extrinsic:
Intrinsic motivation originates from within the individual. It is a very powerful source of motivation. Intrinsic motivation is behind all of our attempts to learn and master new skills from our very birth. An infant will reach out and grasp a finger. Next comes walking, talking, riding a bike, all the things children are anxious to accomplish.
Extrinsic motivators are the rewards and punishments that come from the outside world. Play video games instead of doing homework, suffer embarrassment in class the next day. Earn a trophy for first place in a competition for high performance, win the admiration of others. There is one important fact about extrinsic motivators however, they are short-term fixes only. The desired behavior will probably disappear when the threat is gone (or forgotten) or the promise has either been delivered or denied.
Instead of relying on extrinsic motivators when attempting to get people to behave in ways that you think are reasonable, foster the factors that nurture those powerful intrinsic motivators. What are the intrinsic motivators?
• Success and pride of accomplishment
• An understanding of the importance in applying the desired behavior
That’s a pretty short and easy list. So how do you go about adding sunshine, water and nutrients to these natural seeds of personal growth? Here is the method:
• Set goals
• Assign responsibility
• Recognize progress
• Develop empathy
• Create a conducive environment
• Contribute to positive health habits
SET GOALS
1) Decide. 2) Create an affirmative statement. 3) Write it down. 4) Be clear about your reasons for wanting it. 5) Set a date for accomplishing the goal.
Read any motivational book and, when the subject of goal setting comes up, you will always see this formula. The obvious reason? It is effective! Have a family meeting and present some ideas on making progress in areas of importance. Now create a statement that expresses the desired goal in an affirmative manner. (To state a goal in the affirmative, you say it as if it is already accomplished.) If you want to spend less time watching television and more time on responsibilities, projects and hobbies, you can say, “Our family devotes one hour each evening for taking care of responsibilities and spending creative time on hobbies and projects”. Now commit the goal to paper. Why do you have to write it down? The writing process involves more motor skills and imprints the idea more clearly on the brain. Next step is to assign relevancy to the goal. “Better use of our time will reduce stress for the entire family. We can use the extra time to take care of some chores that usually end up getting rushed, such as picking out clothes to wear the next day, or fixing lunches.” Then pin a date on the accomplishment, “We will start on Monday and meet again Saturday to talk about the different ways we used our extra time”.
ASSIGN RESPONSIBILITY
There are some very important rules to follow when delegating responsibility in a way that fosters intrinsic motivation rather than relying on extrinsic rewards or punishments.
• Allow for choice
• Allow for individual styles
• Allow for a learning curve
In our goal of spending less time in the evening in front of the television and more time reducing stress and pursuing creative endeavors, we can apply these allowances. Obviously, each person would be responsible for picking out tomorrow’s clothes, but other duties can be handed around. Make a list of other jobs that could be shared by everyone and then work out a fair plan of accomplishment. Remember the secret of presenting” yes” or “yes” options. “Danny, do you want your day to clean the bathroom to be Wednesday or Friday?” “Would you rather make sandwiches or fold the laundry?”
Once a job is delegated it now belongs to the responsible person. No breathing down necks, or coaching from the sidelines. Make sure the proper tools are available, instructions are clearly given and then walk away. If the bathroom mirror is cleaned with a mop the first time, oh well. The intrinsic goals of the individual will allow the necessary skills to develop naturally. You contribute to the learning curve by affectively applying the next step.
RECOGNIZE PROGRESS
Many people enjoy using charts and graphs to track progress. They can be very effective. I urge you not to rely too heavily on them, however because they tend to make us think of extrinsic rewards. “What do I get when I have a star in every square?”
What works best is a thank you with a statement of worth about the action. “Thanks for picking up the living room. It puts me in such a good mood to live in a neat home.” (Remember the two intrinsic motivators, pride and importance of action?) Or, a verbal pat on the back. “Now that your homework is done and your head is the size of a watermelon, what fun thing are you going to enjoy?”
Remember to be sporadic with your compliments and praise. A compliment delivered with every action sounds insincere. Never forget the reinforcing power of a smile or a hug.
DEVELOP EMPATHY
Empathy is the ability to feel what another person is feeling and is the foundation of intrinsic motivator number two: an understanding of the importance in applying the desired behavior. Years of teaching elementary students gave me a clear understanding of the need to teach children empathy. From the charismatic manipulator, to the bully, to the social outcast, not being able to identify with other people’s feelings can lead to problems.
Talk about your feelings with each other often. Always remember, however never to assign blame to another person when expressing an emotion. Instead of saying, “You made me so mad when I was late for work because you overslept!” a better way to build empathy would be to say, “Once the clock gets past 8:20 I start getting nervous about being late for work. My stomach gets acidy and I can almost hear my boss yelling at me again. I sure would appreciate it if you would be downstairs by 8:15.” You have given your reasons on many different levels of comprehension: the visual image of the clock, the physical sensation in your stomach, the sound of an angry boss.
CREATE A CONDUCIVE ENVIRONMENT
Above all else, model motivated behavior. That one thing in itself will motivate others beyond anything else you do.
Designate your home as a caring community. “Everyone who lives here supports each other.” Don’t tolerate teasing or other forms of meanness in your home.
Another important factor in keeping the atmosphere of your home uplifting is to limit complaining. Many of us are in the habit of coming home and letting off steam about the idiots we must face each day. That old homily, “Leave your troubles on the doorstep” should not be forgotten. Consider the effect on a child’s motivation to grow up and enter the work world when he or she continuously hears the adults complaining about their jobs.
CONTRIBUTE TO POSTIVE HEALTH HABITS
Eat right, drink lots of water and get plenty of exercise. When you feel good physically, it is so much easier to be enthusiastic and cheerful!
Use one of your self-improvement evenings each week to take a walk outside. Wear your intelligent caps while you are on your walk and talk with each other about the things you encounter. I’ll bet you can teach each other a lot.
Have an energy snack available when you are working or creating at home. Slice fruit and cheese and serve with a fortified, whole grain cracker. You are supplying vitamins, calcium and fiber. One of best fibers for the digestive system is the pectin found in apples. Float apple slices in ice water with a spritz of lemon juice and they won’t turn brown.
CONCLUSION
The final word is consistency. If you are determined to reach your goals, follow through. So, good luck! Apply these concepts and you will have a happier, healthier family!
Jean Fisher – http://atsfordinner.net

Cecil McIntosh
174
25 7

In my private practice for over 14 years no matter what my clients have come to see me about, there has always been an issue about a better relationship.
Here are 7 of the most common misconceptions my clients have related to me about having a better relationship. These misconceptions are followed by my perspective on each one of them.
Myth 1 I have to love everything about my partner.
Reality Check 1
You were born pure and pristine. You then learnt behaviors from your parents, teacher, coaches, church etc. (who did their best to teach you about a better relationship). These behaviors have become the backbone for your way of living and having a better relationship.
Perhaps a common behavior that irritates having a better relationship would be leaving the toilet seat up after use. This is merely a behavior and not the essence of the person. However, when you may consider this behavior to be the person, this destroys the concept of a better relationship, creating all kinds of conflict in your need for a better relationship.
Myth 2 Love means that I can fix your partner.
Reality Check 2
You met your partner because of some special quality or charteristic that you admired. You need to accept and allow that quality to flourish in order to allow you and your partner to grow into a better relationship.
You may be unaware that you do not even like yourself. Yet by allowing your partner to grow and expand, you will experience the quality of your partner and the beauty within you, as you begin to enjoy a better relationship.
Myth 3
I am supposed to give up the things I like in order to be in a better relationship.
Reality Check 3
Giving up the things you like to be in a better relationship is like take a knife and cutting away a part of yourself.
Your better relationship is based on the uniqueness of you and your partner.
When you give up your uniqueness you rob yourself of a better relationship, your passion and your partner of your creativity.
Myth 4 I will be rescued by a knight in shining armour.
Reality Check 4
You may have been conditioned to live your life expecting someone to take care of you. What happens if that person becomes ill? and is no longer able to take care of you.
Your responsibility in creating a better relationship, is to bring your passion to the table of your relationship. Some days you will be the knight in shining armour and another day your partner will be the knight in shining armour of a better relationship.
You will each get a chance to shine like star in a better relationship because of your strengths and weaknesses.
Myth 5 It cost a lot to be in a relationship.
Reality Check 5
In a material context, a better relationship can be expensive if you think that love is based on the bigger house, car or boat. Although some of these material assets are necessary, they should not be at the expense of creating a better relationship.
Love is creating a better relationship by building a relationship that is based on the simple things in life, like walking and holding hands, going on a picnic (just the two of you), or sharing an ice cream.
Love in a better relationship is not about what you show on the outside but what you express in you heart. Love is not about money or materialism, love just is.
Myth 6 Love in a relationship is or is not a feeling.
Reality Check 6
It is not what you say, it is what you do. You can say, “I love you” which may be merely words and no feelings (action). Love is the action of doing.
If you make a cup of tea for yourself, (the water is boiled), make a cup of tea for your partner. Whether your partner wants the tea or not is irrelevant, it is the thought that counts and the action that cements a better relationship.
Myth 7 I don’t have to work at my relationship.
Reality Check 7
As a child, you learned to creep before you walked. Then you learned the letters of the alphabet. In order to write, you had to learn how to put those letters together to make words and sentences.
These sentences then become the way in which you communicated.
When you and your partner stop communicating after learning how to use the letters of the alphabet in sentences, it’s like 2 tape recorders talking to each other – Nobody is at home to enjoy a better relationship.
In summary:
1. Your partner’s behavior in a better relationship is not your partner’s true essence.
2. There is no need to have a clone of yourself. A better relationship requires some variety.
3. Giving up of your uniqueness to be in a better relationship is like throwing out the baby with the bath water.
4. In a better relationship there are no superior partners, just equal partners.
5. Love in creating a better relationship is not about money and the material assets (although there are important) but the simple things in life.
6. Love in a better relationship is active not passive.
7. Lack of communication crushes your desire for a better relationship.

Martin Hahn
365
25 7

Why are certain persons more successful than others in their personal lives and in their professional environment? Some are perhaps very successful at their homes, having good relationships with their spouses and children, but having many communication problems in their office: problems with bosses, but good relationships with co-workers or vice versa, good relationship with the bosses, but conflicts with other managers and subordinates. Others again are having good relationships at the office at the expense of their marriages and family life: too much time is being spent at the office and the family at home is being felt ignored and left behind.
The root cause of the problem is communication or to be more exact: effective communication. It is actually surprising that a lot of communication is going well most of the time. However, if a communication problem happens, the question: what went wrong? Usually remains an unanswered question. There are plenty of books, articles and websites dedicated to the problems of communication. Some give scientific evidence of communication barriers and obstacles, but leave finding practical solutions to the reader. More practically oriented recipes are difficult to implement due to lack of time and practice. For example the trait assertiveness: it has become common knowledge that it is important to be assertive in daily life. But how can one be assertive if he or she is introvert by nature? On top of personality (extrovert versus introvert), there is the issue of culture: people from certain countries are simply less extrovert than from other countries.
Wouldn’t is be extremely useful to have a simple formula of effective communication which can be used in all circumstances? I think the following formula would be helpful:
EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION=
SELF-INTEREST + INTEREST OF OTHERS – DISTUBING FACTORS
OR
EC = SI + IO – DF
Let’s look at the three elements of this formula.
SELF-INTEREST
When people communicate, self interest is probably the main reason for communication. One is far more interested in his or her own interest than in the interests of others. The above formula can actually be simplified even further by simply stating that communication is equal to self-interest. For this reason, communication is rarely effective because one is not trying to find a common ground in interaction processes but merely seeking a way to fulfill certain short-term interests. The most important problem in communication is probably asymmetry. The two parties in question are having different agendas and different interests which is further complicated by asymmetries of, knowledge, power and authority. For this reason, negotiation skills and tactics have become a very important trait of modern civilization. In the old days, physical strength was the determining factor to force the other party to compromise. Thanks to civilization, consensus can now be reached by communica!
tion. This civilizing process is basically a shift from a “command and control” communication culture to a “negotiating and persuasion” culture.
This shift has resulted in a greater emphasis on the ability to effectively communicate verbally and non-verbally with each other. This also implies better education in which development of dialogue skills has become the backbone of modern education. One is at a young age already required to be able to express their thoughts clearly in class presentations, essays, reports and not to mention in theses of various sorts in tertiary educational settings.
INTEREST OF OTHERS
The interest of others has probably been the most important issue in many textbooks about effective communication. The ability to listen, to get and give feedback, to control anger (“anger management”), conflict resolution, stress management, etc., have been discussed in great lengths by many authors, scholars, management trainers, etc.
The problem is accommodating the interests of others have become more important with the introduction of information technology and the ability to trade goods and services in cyberspace. True globalization has probably already occurred in cyberspace where a global 24 hour economy has been created where everybody is exchanging goods, services and information all over the world.
Everybody has become a customer! It is important to look at the needs of others as your customer. This marketing concept was first used in transactional settings, but was introduced in learning organizations and now has become an important concept in all corners of life.
The issue of discovering the interests of others has even been infiltrated by non-scientific ‘tools’ like astrology, numerology and tarot cards. Before the discovery of these tools, one was still utilizing (and still is utilizing) many scientific tools offered by psychologists ranging from psychoanalysis, conversation analysis, transactional analysis and the sort resulting in various therapies which might be effective depending on the willingness of the buyer to take it seriously or not.
How can one discover the interests of others? This requires a proactive approach from both parties. Two strategies might be helpful. The first strategy is called the PAIR approval strategy: Placate (listen, empathize, respond with concern); Attend (to the other); Investigate (circumstances details of issue); Resolve (decide on action to take). The second strategy is called the five-step method: listen, respond, decide on action, take action and follow up.
DISTURBING FACTORS
The third element of effective communication is probably the most difficult one: how to eliminate disturbing factors or how to overcome communication barriers. There are basically six types of barriers between people communicating with each other: differences in perception, incorrect filtering, language problems, poor listening, differing emotional states, and differing backgrounds. In order to overcome these barriers, one must be willing to avoid selective perception, condense messages to the bare essentials, use specific and accurate words possible, always verify your interpretation of what’s been said, be aware of the feelings that arise in yourself and in others as you communicate, and attempt to control them.
Communication barriers also exist within organizations. Although all communication is subject to misunderstandings, business communication is particularly difficult. Barriers can be caused by: information overload, message complexity, message competition, differing status, lack of trust, inadequate communication structures, incorrect choice of medium, closed communication climate, unethical communication, inefficient communication, and physical distractions.
There are three distinct moments which can cause many communication barriers in organizations; during negotiations, when dealing with customers, and holding meetings. When you are negotiating, psychological barriers may arise. These psychological barriers may be yours or may belong to the other party. Be aware that people carry some of these barriers and ‘listen’ for their effects. Look for signs of them in the other party (and in yourself) and use your communication skills to ease or lower these barriers. Dealing with customers, in turn, can be very hard because some customers are hard to please and difficult situations can arise. If a high level of service is not provided, the result will not only be loss of business, but often an increase in the number of difficult and even abusive customers. They have not yet been lost. Deal with them professionally. The negotiating process, finally, demonstrates a fundamental tension between the claiming and creating of value. Value cla!
imers view negotiations purely as an adversarial process. Each side stride tries to claim as much of a limited pie as possible by giving the other side as little as possible. Each party claims value through the use of manipulative tactics, forcible arguments, limited concessions, and hard bargaining. Value creators, in contrast, call for a process which results in joint gains to each party. They try to create additional benefits for each side in the negotiations. They emphasize shared interests, developing a collaborative relationship, and negotiating in a pleasant and cooperative manner.
CONTA

Glenda Erceg
190
25 7

There are quite a few reasons for finding people. Maybe you are having a class reunion and you are in charge of finding people. You might be searching for a long lost friend or family member. There might even be a case where you want to look for a former soulmate.
You could hire a private detective. If you have enough information to go on and money is not an object a private detective is a good way to go about finding people.
If you check into hiring a private detective and it’s too costly there are other ways to go about finding people. You can contact former classmates or family members by phone or mail and get any information available. If this does not prove to be helpful you might want to put an ad in newspapers close to where the person lived before you lost contact.
Another way to go about finding people is through the internet. There are lots of internet sites devoted to finding people.
Some of these sites are free or low cost but others charge a fee. The fee is often charged only once and then you can use the service as often as you like. Check out several different sites before you decide on one. Read about each site and what they offer. Find out what the fees are and if there are any guarantees. Also ask exactly what information you will be able to find when using their services.
Finding people is made easier when you have more than one way to tackle the problem.
I am the source

Michaela Scherr
113
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How often have you wanted to create a connection with someone or a group but somehow missed the mark? You keep getting the same results every time you make an attempt at establishing any relationship, and it’s a result you’re not happy with. If this is the case you really need to change how you do things.
Rapport building is one of mutual influence, a give and take within a relationship, includes having regard for the feelings of others, respecting and understanding them, and looking at life from someone else’s perspective other than your own. Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes and begin to understand where they’re coming from – it doesn’t take much, just your willingness to give it a try.
One of the great things about rapport is that it doesn’t matter whether you have agreement or not with the other party. Remember some conversations you’ve had in the past with your best friend, partner, or even children. Do you always agree with them? What happens when you disagree? Is it the end of the world or is there friendly banter? Sometimes we simply agree to disagree. I heard someone say once “You can either be right, or you can be happy.” I know I’d rather be happy.
You can also build relationships with those you personally don’t get along with. I’ve had jobs in the past where I had absolutely nothing in common with my bosses, however I still respected their position – they were still my boss, they were running the show and for all intents and purposes knew what they were doing. With that, my professional integrity remained intact.
So what can we do about getting rapport happening?
Interaction with others is multifaceted. We all have our own views on life that we believe is right, we have different values and beliefs; there are cultural issues as well as many other things that need to be taken into consideration when dealing with others. So I’ve come up with some very basic rapport building strategies that might just make it happen for you.
Firstly, take baby steps. If you’re uncomfortable matching and mirroring the behaviours and language of others, start by practising with yourself in front of a mirror, find yourself a partner you’ll be comfortable practising with, or mirror someone on television. The more you practise the more fluid your rapport building skills will become – think of this as if you engaging in a slow moving rhythmic dance with someone.
Read each point first and give yourself time to absorb its meaning.
*Take a genuine interest in the other person.
*Become curious as to how the other person thinks, what they value most, what type of humour they have, what language they use – is it visual, auditory or feeling?
*If there is an apparent age gap between you and the other person, learn about that generation, what their values are, what motivates them and show an interest in their history.
*Be willing and flexible enough to see life through the other person’s eyes? How do they view the world?
*Have open communication with others and be willing to disclose some things about yourself, of course within reason and when appropriate.
*People can sense manipulation, if not consciously then subconsciously. I can sense manipulation a mile off and don’t like it one bit! Sometimes I’ve kicked myself for agreeing to something I really didn’t want to. Rapport is about mutual influence – give and take, an example is sharing in jokes, brainstorming a project together, a class, or being part of a team.
*Mirror and match their posture and movements. This isn’t about copying or mimicking. When movement’s flow like a dance it shows you’re in sync with others.
For example if someone crosses their arms you could subtly do the same or cross your feet. You could match someone’s breathing rate with your blink rate, foot tapping can be equalled with nodding in rhythm, tugging of the earlobe could be tugging at skirt/trousers/shirt. Again, this takes practise and subtle observation.
*Notice and really hear their voice. What tone, pitch, pace, volume and wording do they use?
*What’s their breathing rate – fast, slow, even, erratic? Notice their rhythm of breathing and do the same. I find when I do one-on-one sessions with my clients, my breathing rate and that of my client becomes as one. I know then that my client and I are totally in the present moment and focused on each other.
*We all have a unique way we move, some of us are slow, fast, steady or barely make a movement. I apparently move something like a penguin (womanly would have been nice but there you have it). The unique movement of others is something else that can be matched though I wouldn’t be overdoing the penguin waddle!
*Actively listen to the other person – be interested in what they have to say. Even my young son knows when I’m not present and not really listening to him.
*Know and understand what your relationship with your ‘Self’ is before building rapport with others.
*Be in the Present moment.
*And finally, the biggest and most effective rapport building strategy is when you are personally involved in the rapport building process! Makes sense, does it not?
May you have many wonderful moments in building relationshi

John Hooper
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Getting over your ex is something that most of us have to do at some point in our life. Some people more than others. When the ex means a divorce in involved then the break up is all the more harder.
It is said that time is a great healer and that is true, but also taking action is vital. Just what action should you take?
Here is some practical advice to deal with life after a break up, relationship break down or divorce.
1. Make a clean break. As tempting as it can be, if you are still in love with your EX, and they don’t reciprocate the feelings and intensity, then you’re better off making a clean break. This is true every time. Ex lover rarely make good friends after a break up.
2. Delete all telephone numbers, email address and the like that contain your ex’s details. Keeping temptation at bay is vital.
3. Clear out as many personal items as you can. Obviously keeping practical stuff is important, but, if you’re using your ex’s left behind items to remember them, then that’s no good. Clear them out as soon as possible.
4. Treat yourself. Make sure you get used to enjoying yourself without your ex partner. Prove to yourself, your ex and others that you can smile again in spite of the circumstances. A divorce doesn’t mean you can’t laugh a lot.
5. Let your frustrations, anger and bitterness come out. Write down your feeling or get some counselling. Even if it’s just a friend who will listen to you for a while. Blow off steam – it’s natural.
6. Cleanse your current situation by buying new things for the house. New bedding and kitchen utensils are something you use every day. Get new items. Your life is still going to go on so distance yourself from the things you used with your ex. It will work wonders for you.
7. Give yourself time to heal. You don’t need to rush into a new relationship until your ready. Advice given to me as I was going through my divorce was to ‘clear the decks emotionally.’ Superb advice, you don’t need to rebound till its right for you.
8. Eliminate any negative self-talk. It’s easy to feel sorry for yourself after a break up. It can help you only for a very short while at the beginning. If you keep talking yourself down then you’ll find it harder to move on when the time is right for you.
9. Take charge of your life again. Make goals. Set yourself challenges. Maybe you always wanted to abseil or jump from a plane. Maybe learning yoga could be right for you. The world is your oyster.
10. Take comfort in the fact that it does get better each day. Say to yourself ‘every day in every way I’m getting better and better and better.’ It’s true and most people who have been divorced will tell you that suddenly one day you realise that the rest of your life can easily be the best of your lifeZZZ