Online Dating

Layne and Paul Cutright
720
25 7

All partnerships, and all relationships for that matter,
go through five predictable stages. Knowing these stages
is like having a map that will help you to accurately
assess where you are and where you can go.

All partnerships, and all relationships for that matter,
go through five predictable stage. Knowing these stages
is like having a map that will help you to accurately
assess where you are in your partnerships, see where you
have been and where you can go. This will also
allow you to deal effectively with the particular
concerns of the stage you are in. For example, upsets,
disagreements, miscommunications and misunderstandings
are a predictable, inevitable and unavoidable part of
the second stage. If you don’t know that, you could
easily misinterpret what is going on in the relationship,
make inappropriate choices and miss important learning
and growth opportunities. Each stage requires a different,
yet overlapping set of skills. Mastering partnership is
about mastering these skills.

STAGE ONE – ATTRACTION

This stage of relationships is characterized by a
fascination with another person, organization
or project and a desire to learn more about them,
as well as a desire to share yourself. It’s fun
and it feels good. This is the time when positive
possibilities are sensed and explored. This is
the stage people wish would last forever.

ESSENTIAL SKILLS FOR SUCCESS IN ATTRACTION:

1. Be interested, not merely interesting.

2. Look for and focus on the best in others.

3. Acknowledge/compliment others on the good you see
in them and their accomplishments.

4. Help people to relax with you – put them at ease.

5. Know what the most important things are for people
to know about you and weave those things into your
conversations so you feel they “get” who you are.

6. To simply “be” with others without an agenda

7. Keep your word to build trust.

8. Be authentic.

9. Look good and smell good!

10. Speech acts to learn and master:

Greeting

Making requests

Declining requests

Making promises

Making apologies

High performance listening

AVOID:

1. Lying.

2. Jumping to conclusions.

3. Moving too quickly into a commitment conversation.

4. Expecting people to read your mind and anticipate
your conditions for satisfaction.

5. Stereotyping or categorizing.

STAGE TWO – POWER STRUGGLE

This is the stage where people start testing each other.
It is one of the most difficult stages for people.
Who is going to get whose way and how? Distrust from
your unresolved past manifests and there is often a
fear of loss of control and heavy judgments of the other
person start to show up. Many relationships never
move beyond this stage and many end here.
This stage is really about building trust.

ESSENTIAL SKILLS:

1. Know and identify your feelings.

2. Speak congruently with your emotions.

3. Communicate without blame.

4. Self-reflection – observe your thoughts,
feelings and behaviors without judgment.

5. Own/take responsibility for your mistakes
without self-invalidation

6. Observe your automatic interpretations
of others and events.

7. Be present to someone else’s upset without defense.

8. Know and articulate your requirements for trust.

9. Be able to restore trust when broken.

10. Use current upsets to resolve the past.

11. Ask for help.

12. Forgive yourself and others.

13. Make correction without invalidation.

14. Don’t control others or make their choices for them.

15. Don’t sacrifice – be generous.

16. Practice spiritual attunement to find the highest path.

17. Take the initiative – be responsible for your own needs.

18. Turn your complaints into requests.

19. Be clear-headed and rational while feeling intense
feelings or while in the presence of others intense feelings.

20. Control your temper.

AVOID:

1. Giving ultimatums.

2. Blaming others.

3. Gossiping or participating in gossip.

4. Being mean, attacking, hurtful or hypercritical.

5. Saying things you’ll regret.

STAGE THREE – COOPERATION

This is the stage where you learn to trust one another
and to resolve upsets to your mutual satisfaction and
benefit. You learn to share power and appreciate each
other’s unique abilities and gifts. However, it is still self oriented – “What can I get out of this relationship?” rather than
“What can we create with this relationship?” Beware of
false cooperation in which one person acquiesces to the
other in order to “keep the peace”. This is still
Power Struggle, only in a more subtle form.

ESSENTIAL SKILLS:

1. Know and articulate the essence of your desires.

2. Expand your capacity for compassion.

3. Read others emotions.

4. Assess trustworthiness in others and assume
trust rather than suspicion.

5. Inspire high level of trust from others.

6. Care deeply about others.

7. Feel connected with others.

8. Generate enthusiasm.

9. Find and define a common path.

10. Know and articulate how others affect you,
e.g., their losing/winning, problems/thriving.

11. Make choices for long-term gain – overcome
the need for instant gratification.

12. Competency with creation techniques,
e.g., visualization, goal setting, etc.

13. Know and articulate your changing conditions
for satisfaction.

14. Neutralize competition while inspiring cooperation.

15. Ability to articulate higher path, especially
during stress.

16. Be diplomatic and cordial even when worried,
upset and during stress.

17. Facilitate conversations for:

Speculation and possibility

Planning and design

Commitment and action

AVOID:

1. Making assumptions.

2. Sacrifice – it always leads to resentment.

3. Withholding important communication out of fear.

STAGE FOUR – SYNERGY

This is the stage where there is a realization
of a power greater than that of each individual.
There is also a commitment to a specified focus
and use of the power. Extraordinary satisfaction,
intimacy, and a deep sense of mutual trust,
empowerment and ease characterize this stage. It is a highly creative, high performance relationship. It also possesses a high
level of acknowledgment and appreciation. The relationship
emanates joy and power in this stage.

ESSENTIAL SKILLS:

1. Regenerate creativity.

2. Balance work and play.

3. Be alert to and neutralize complacency.

4. Fine tune and evolve specific talents.

5. Dance and surrender during the times of chaos
before new beginnings.

6. Let go of ego and attachments.

7. Be as committed to the larger process you
are involved in as you are to your own individual part.

8. Practice letting the relationship “breathe”.

9. Anticipate temporary Power Struggle when you
uplevel commitment and prepare for it.

AVOID:

1. Taking the relationship and people for granted.

2. Becoming overly intoxicated with the glory of
synergy and get out of balance in your life.

3. Expecting synergy to last without nurturing
the relationship.

STAGE FIVE – COMPLETION

This is a stage many people fear and avoid dealing
with altogether. There are four ways relationships
can be completed: drifting apart, expulsion/ejection,
conscious completion or death. Sometimes completion
is only about changing the form of the relationship,
not necessarily the end of the relationship altogether.

ESSENTIAL SKILLS:
1. Accept and flow with change.

2. Acknowledge and integrate the value and learning
from the relationship.

3. Spiritual attunement.

4. Own up to mistakes without self-invalidation.

5. Make apologies.

6. Redefine your common path – change form.

7. Articulate the highest spiritual thought about the
relationship.

8. Know what you need to feel complete.

9. Generate a safe space and a conversation to
make sure everything that needs to be said or
done to feel complete is communicated in a spirit
of love and dignity for all parties concerned.

10. Allow for a healthy expression of fear,
anger, grief or any other emotion.

AVOID:

1. Feeling victimized.

2. Taking things too personally.

3. Resisting change.

4. Misperceiving that others are the source of your good or happiness.

© 2006 Paul and Layne Cutright – All rights reserved.
You may publish this article in its entirety and
with the authors’ resource information intact.ZZZ

David Chandler
25
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Why do I need to use a condom?
Condoms are the only form of protection, which can both help to stop the transmission of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) such as HIV and prevent pregnancy.
Choosing the right condom
A number of different types of condom are now available. What is generally called a condom is the ‘male’ condom, a sheath or covering which fits over a man‘s penis, and which is closed at one end. There is also now a female condom, or vaginal sheath, which is used by a woman to fit inside her vagina.
What are condoms made of?
Condoms are usually made of latex or polyurethane. If possible, you should use a latex condom, as they are slightly more reliable, and in most countries, they are most readily available. Latex condoms can only be used with water-based lubricants, not oil based lubricants such as Vaseline or cold cream as they break down the latex. A small number of people have an allergic reaction to latex and can use polyurethane condoms instead.
Polyurethane condoms are made out a type of plastic. They are thinner than latex condoms, and so they increase sensitivity and are more agreeable in feel and appearance to some users. They are more expensive than latex condoms and slightly less flexible so more lubrication may be needed. However both oil and water based lubricants can be used with them.
It is not clear whether latex or polyurethane condoms are stronger – there are studies suggesting that either is less likely to break. With both types however, the likelihood of breakages is very small if used correctly.
The lubrication on condoms also varies. Some condoms are not lubricated at all, some are lubricated with a silicone substance, and some condoms have a water-based lubricant. The lubrication on condoms aims to make the condom easier to put on and more comfortable to use. It can also help prevent condom breakage.

Frank Duru
151
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Honour and respect are two of the most important elements in Asian culture, and they shouldn’t be overlooked when it comes to dating. For instance, traditionally, Asian women are taught at a young age to know their place around men, treat them with respect and accommodate them, while men are taught to protect and provide for the women. Although these traditions have become a faded practice in Western culture, respect still plays an important role in the Asian dating scene.
If you are Asian and are seeking a serious relationship with a man or woman from your ethnic culture, you will need to take into consideration that every move you make could be watched carefully by your partner’s family, who may very well act as the third party to your date. With this in mind, here are a few tips you will want to think about when you begin dating:
Make an Impression -Be on your best behaviour. Listen to your date, create casual conversation, and be accommodating and thoughtful.
Treat your Date with Respect – Remember the saying “treat others as you would like to be treated”, well this is when it really counts. Be considerate and patient, even if you find the topic of conversation to be of little interest to you. You should acknowledge what is important to your date and respect it.
Give them space – You don’t want to come on too strong in the relationship, as this could either scare off your date, or make him or her jump to wrong conclusions. Creating a comfortable dating experience is the best way for you to discover if what you have found is an acquaintance, friend or potential lover.
Every once in a while visit the planet Earth – Be careful not to be mislead into believing that your dating relationship is something more than it is. Remember, not everyone is seeking a long term commitment (which could include you) therefore, before you let your imagination run wild from misinterpretation, make sure you take a realistic look at the relationship that is developing.
Above All have fun – Let’s face it, the whole point to dating is about having a good time, and enjoying the other person’s company, so don’t be afraid to loosen up. Let your personality shine and take pleasure in your dating experiences.
In the end all that should matter when it comes down to dating, is that you and your date enjoy one another’s company, are comfortable together, and share similar interests and values. If you find that there is no chemistry forming, it’s time to say goodbye, and move on, regardless of how much your family may like him or her. After all, it is you who has to make the choice when it comes to your love life, for only you can determine who truly makes you happy. Therefore, grant yourself the respect and honour of making and standing by your dating decisions.

Michaela Scherr
485
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If you’re, single, dateless with no mate in sight, you can still totally spoil yourself and have fun on Valentine’s Day in a number of special ways.
There are many advantages of your singledom. You’ll eliminate:
**The stress involved if you don’t get a card, flowers or chocolates!
**Receiving flowers with use by date expired and in a color that doesn’t match anything you own;
**Having to eat out where you know you won’t like the food;
**Receiving humorous cards that you don’t find amusing and you don’t get the punch-line anyway;
**Making conversation and being nice when you’d rather be reading or sleeping;
**Going away on a surprise weekend away where there are NO shops and the only thing to do involves sporting activities;
Instead, as a single person you can spoil yourself and have a fun time doing any of the following:
Take a leisurely bath with rose essential oil and pink bath salts. Have some relaxation music in the background, light some pink and green candles, and place a few rose quartz crystals in your bath.
Meditate and reflect on all your wonderfulness and how you are continually learning, getting even better (if possible) at living life, remembering your closest friends and all the kind words and gestures they’ve shown you.
Whilst you’re meditating visualize with your mind’s eye a bag you can call ‘life skill toolkit’ or something else you prefer. As you remember all the wonderful things you’ve been told about how you do things, what you’ve done for others (listened and be there for them) place these memories inside your bag and breathe all those really wonderful and cool memories fully all through your body and fully experience the authentic, wonderful you.
Still at home, set up a room of your choice and light pink and red (scented rose) candles (remembering to always extinguish naked flames when leaving the room). Next put on some soothing easy listening music. Bring out your journal or diary or other special paper, then, using a special pen, maybe with pink, gold, blue ink (or other color of your choice) and write down all the really good and fabulous things about you. Once you’ve done that write about all your dreams, your wishes, anything at all really that catches your fantasy. This IS NOT a goal setting exercise, this is for you to access the authentic you and the dreams inside yourself.
Hire your favorite DVD or video. Cook your favorite meal or order in, pour yourself that special drink, turn the lights down low and enjoy spending time with you and only you.
Send a Valentine’s Day card to you, writing only what you want to hear about yourself. You know what you want to hear about yourself so enjoy yourself as you write about how brilliant and outstanding you are.
How can you go wrong with sending yourself the nicest bunch of flowers you can afford, in the colors you love, and the perfume you love?
Treat yourself to a day of shopping where you want to shop, maybe get in a hairdressing appointment, have your nails done; go to a restaurant you’ve always wanted to go to but never had anyone to take you and just chill out.
Valentine’s Day needn’t only be for couples, it can also be for singles to spoil themselves silly quite simply because you’re worth it!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
168
25 7

Marilee, a client of mine, was commitment phobic. “I’d love to be in a loving relationship,” she told me in one of our counseling sessions, “but I’m not willing to give up my freedom. I have a great life. I love my work and my friends. I love to travel and take workshops and classes. I don’t want anyone telling me what I can or can’t do. I don’t want to deal with someone feeling hurt because I want to work rather than be with him. It’s just not worth all the hassle.”
Marcus, another of my clients, was also commitment phobic. “When I’m not in a relationship, that’s all I can think about it. I really want someone to play with, to love and to grow with. But soon after getting into a relationship, I start to feel trapped. I feel like I can’t do what I want to do and I start to resent the person for limiting me. Most of the time, she has no idea what’s going on and is stunned by the break-up. She thought everything was fine. After leaving her, I’m back to square one – wanting to be in a relationship. This has happened over and over again.”
Commitment phobia has its roots in the belief that when we love someone, we are responsible for their feelings rather than for our own. Once we believe that we are responsible for another’s feelings of hurt or rejection as a result of our behavior, we believe we need to limit ourselves in order to not upset the other person. Then, instead of standing up for our own freedom and right to pursue that which brings us joy, we limit our freedom in an effort to have control over the other person’s feelings. This will always eventually lead to resentment.
“Marilee, ” I asked in one of our phone sessions, “What if you picked someone who also loved his work and his personal freedom?”
“Frankly, I can’t imagine that. Every man I’ve been in a relationship with has wanted to spend more time with me than I have with him. Am I just picking the wrong man over and over?”
“No,” I replied. “But you are not standing firm in your freedom from the beginning. You give a lot at the beginning because you enjoy being with him, but, as we’ve discussed, you also give yourself up a lot at the beginning. You make love when you don’t want to. You stay up later than you want to for fear of hurting him. Then, when you do start to tell the truth, he is surprised and hurt. Until you are willing to risk losing him from the beginning rather than lose yourself, you will continue to create relationships that limit your freedom. You end up believing that it is the relationship that limits you, but it is your own fears and beliefs that keep limiting you.”
In my sessions with Marcus, he discovered that he had no idea how to stand up for himself in a relationship. As soon as a woman wanted something from him, he gave it to her. He just could not bring himself to say no. Then, of course, he ended up feeling trapped.
Marcus discovered that his fear of saying no to a woman came from two sources:
1) He believed he was responsible for her feelings, and that he was bad if he did anything that upset her.
2) He was afraid that if she felt hurt, she would get angry and reject him.
As a result of these two fears, Marcus continually gave himself up in relationships. However, giving himself up created such resentment toward his partner that he eventually didn’t want to be with her anymore and left the relationship.
In order to have both our personal freedom and be in a committed relationship, we need to learn to take responsibility for our own feelings rather than the other person’s feelings, and we need to be willing to lose the other person rather than lose ourselves. Commitment phobia heals when you become strong enough to be true to yourself, even in the face of another’s anger, rejection, or loss. If you want to have a loving relationship, then you need to do the inner work necessary to develop a strong adult self who can be a powerful advocate for your personal f.

Amy Spade
350
25 7

With the romantic feelings in the air, it’s no wonder that a classic theme of weddings is the renaissance or medieval times. There is a sense of chivalry and grace in that period that is easily captured for a wedding theme.
Creating the scene
The first thing that helps a renaissance themed wedding is the actual setting. If there is an older church or an outdoor setting that you can agree upon, it’s best to start there. The renaissance was a time where people were closer to nature, so incorporating something outdoors might be nice.
You could decorate the area with a lot of simple bunches of flowers. Think of the times as simpler and you’re sure to find even more ideas. Ribbons make for wonderful decorations as well. They can be tied to pews or to chairs as a subtle touch of beauty.
Your wedding party attire will also make an impression. The bride may want to wear something long and flowing with bell sleeves and an intricate bodice. Anything that looks like a corset is beautiful, though they’re much more comfortable now.
The groom is a little trickier as many men don’t want to wear leggings or tights, but a luxurious coat with a thick brocade pattern might be the perfect way to show his dedication to the theme. Bridesmaids and groomsmen can have different colored versions of the outfits.
You might also want to ask your guests to come in similar attire. Just make a notation on the invitation and have the entire setting be transported back into time.
All in the details
The ceremony can have a more nature-oriented theme as well. This can include the lighting of candles, as well as the jumping of the broom and sword. This is an African tradition that blends in quite well. This is the signal that the new couple will be working together from that moment on.
To truly capture the renaissance theme, it’s the details that matter. Give your guests small sachets of lavender or some other fragrant herb. Attach some folklore to it as well. Or you can have traditional Celtic or medieval musicians play for the reception.
A feast of roasted pig or lamb would also be appropriate–though you don’t have to eat it straight off the bone, like in days of old. Have plenty of drink and candles and you’re well on your way to a renaissance themed wedding.
Give your guests a hint of the theme by including a renaissance poem in the invitation, or sealing them with wax and your new monogram. Themed weddings are all about the details. Do some research and find some that work for you.

David Kamau
368
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Talk of allure. Online dating, or internet dating, has attracted millions of people worldwide in just a few years of existence. What’s the magic or power behind the phenomenal pull?
If 40 million plus people are doing it, then something is right. So, what draws people to online dating in such vast numbers? Well, here are a few benefits and advantages of online dating over traditional dating:
1. Volume: Perhaps the foremost advantage is the almost limitless supply of people online, all with one common goal: to find a date. The huge numbers of available singles improve the odds of meeting the Mr. or Miss/Ms. Right. And, there are always fresh “supplies” as new people continue to join dating sites.
2. No guessing (in most cases) as to whether the other person is available or not, as they wouldn’t be on a dating site if they weren’t.
3. Wide net: Online dating offers you the opportunity contact multiple prospects at the same time. After exchanging emails and/or phone calls you can determine which if any is worth keeping. If none, just continue your search.
4. Online dating eliminates the awkwardness of first introductions. The first encounter is always the hardest for most people, and getting over it makes the rest of the dating experience much easier.
5. Speed: Online dating is designed towards a fast and efficient initial contact. Once the contact has been made, you can slow things slowed down to find out if you have a match.
6. Convenience: For people who are busy, prospecting online is the way to go. It is open 24/7 and you can also spend the amount of time that is convenient to you.
7. Privacy: You can exchange emails and/or phone calls until you are comfortable enough to reveal more, or to meet in person.
8. Web video chat and conferencing option allows you to see and talk to the other person, making it an almost personal interaction. Sorry, there’s not yet a way to touch or smell the other person through a modem (wink).
9. You already know, to a reasonable degree, what your prospective date looks like as well as his/her age, height, education etc. Compare this to blind dating.
10. Low Cost: The cost of internet dating is far less than traditional dating which usually involves coffee outings, dinners, movies etc.
If you haven’t yet tried online dating, aka internet dating, you should at least give it a try. Most of the reputable dating sites offer free trials. Who knows, the right person could be waiting for you right now!

Lesley Spencer
565
25 7

A marriage is a completely unique relationship that we humans experience.
You virtually become one with another person and share just about everything together. It is a partnership where two people ideally love and respect one another and grow to appreciate and work through differences “till death do you part.”
What it is not however, is a conflict-free relationship. It is almost certain that your spouse will have annoying habits or do things that irritate you. You will not find a mate that is perfect. None of us are. We must realize this and not expect perfection from our spouse. That causes unrealistic expectations that ultimately lead to disappointment. Just as you don’t want your spouse to have unrealistic expectations of you, you do not want to have unrealistic expectations of him.
We also must accept that we cannot change or fix our spouses. We can only change our expectations and ourselves. We can look for ways to be a better spouse. And it just may be appreciated and reciprocated. But even if its not, it will make you a better person and improve your relationship when you release your spouse from trying to fix him or change him. Love him and focus not on his imperfections. You married his imperfections and you married his good qualities too. Remember that.
Many people go into marriage thinking, “This person or this marriage is going to make me happy.” But that is not true, we must find that joy and contentment as individuals and allow our marriage to be the “icing” – an added bonus. We must release our spouse from the responsibility of making us happy. It is not their job. Our spouses are not equipped to meet all of our needs. No man or woman is. Sure they can and should meet some of our relationship needs, but marriage is not intended to complete us — only to compliment us. For me, it is my faith in Christ that completes me and makes me whole.
It is common to sometimes forget to give of ourselves in a relationship and forget to be others-centered. In all likelihood, we would see dramatic improvements in marriage (and all relationships) if we had the mindset of “What can I do for my spouse? How can I nurture our relationship?” In a healthy relationship, having this mindset is contagious as well. When your spouse sees you working on meeting his needs and giving of yourself, most likely he will want to reciprocate out of appreciation and love.
What is the purpose of marriage then? The purpose of marriage is to love one another, to cherish one another, to encourage one another, to be there for one another in sickness and in health, in the good times and the bad. Sound familiar? Maybe reciting those marriage vows privately or publicly isn’t a bad idea. They have meaning and they have power when they are internalized, believed and lived out.
And don’t forget marriage enables us to have and create the family we dreamed of as little girls. The white picket fence life may be a bit of a fairy tale, but happily-ever after does not have to be.
Copyright HBWM.com, Inc. 2006
Z

Rick Valens
84
25 7

How would you describe the ideal girl of your dream?
“Oh, she has got to be beautiful with a nice figure, having a sweet and sexy voice, cheerful, gentle, considerate, kind-hearted, understanding, independent, musically inclined, share a common interest of mine, hmm… knows how to prepare nice food and… ”
Ok, that is enough. Now, do you think such a perfect person actually exists? Well maybe yes maybe not. But if everyone were to nevertheless, really have such a high expectations, love is certainly going to be hardly visible in the air. Don’t you think so too?
So, what makes an ideal partner then? Well before we go on, perhaps it might be good to know what an exact ideal partner are we discussing here? A dating partner or a marriage partner? Or has this question never even occurred to you before?
Ok, let us answer the question again separately. Hmm… maybe we shall get the girls to answer this time.
First question: How would you describe an ideal dating partner?
Common answers would include, “Dashing with a nice body, full of gentlemanliness, caring and considerate, having a good sense of humor, cheerful, fun loving, adventurous, full of fun and excitement, loves me dearly and etc”
Ok now the second question: How would you describe an ideal marriage partner?
Common answers would include, “Mature, got a sense of responsibility, cheerful, caring, understanding, honest, kind-hearted, having a financially stable income, knowledgeable, able to take good care of the family, loves me dearly and etc”
Notice the difference? An ideal dating partner and an ideal marriage partner is usually a very different person, perhaps just very a little in common I would say.
Well in a perfect case, an ideal partner should of course be best, both a dating and a marriage partner. Someone whom you enjoy dating, bringing you lots of fun, joy and excitements; at the same time someone whom is willing to share your problems and unhappiness, accepting all your negative habits and faults; committed to bringing you happiness.
But again, does such an ideal person exist? Can we really have both the pie and the cake? Think about it. Are we somehow setting too high an expectation? Unknowingly rejecting our chances? Losing the opportunity to be in love? Unknowingly bringing unhappiness to your relationship, yourself and your love? Hmm… well, do remember that we are afterall just talking about ideal here. Something, which is good to have, but not a must to have?
So before you are going to start complaining again that life is so unfair to you, ask yourself, “Have you really ever tried? Tried pursuing for happiness?”
Instead of always picking on your partner’s faults making life unhappy for both, have you tried looking at the other beautiful side of them, their beautiful qualities? Appreciating what you have already got? Tried improving on yourself instead, to becoming a better lover; a more ideal lover? Willing to open up yourself, giving both yourself and others a chance? Remember, what you expect of yours or your future partner is equally what he or she expects of you.
Going into a relationship is never a game. It is a long-term investment, an investment of love between the both of you. It is something which both have to genuinely think through and plan far. What would actually come after dating? Marriage is what I should suppose? Sharing the rest of your life, your future happiness with that special someone?
Well, if nothing were to go wrong in your relationship, your dating partner is eventually going to become your marriage partner, your life partner. Can I say so? Ok, to the girls, let me ask you a question. Would you share your happiness with someone that is full of fun and excitement to be with now, but deep down within yourself you know he is not going to be a good husband, someone who would not take good care of his family?
So again, what is your definition of an ideal partner? Someone whom truly love you, willing to share your problems and unhappiness or…? Well, the answer is within you. It has been with you all this while, only you can find the answer to this question. Your happiness belongs to you, nobody can decide for you. Be true to yourself, you should know what you really wants.
©2005 www.loveletterbo

Ross Jeffries
196
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Last week, I was answering a question about how to meet women, anytime, anywhere, and I had so much to say on the subject, I had to continue it on to this week’s issue. So once again the question being discussed is, “what are some good and easy ways to meet women?”
I discussed a bit about 4 different “approach positions” and how a good pick-up either rapidly jumps from one to another or is somewhere between two positions, combining their attitude or “energy”. (I don’t care if you don’t believe in energy… chicks do!)
Since this is one of my favorite topics, let me continue on in this issue and give you some more keys for meeting women.
And this is important as a skill, if for no other reason than to avoid… “Relationship by Default” Syndrome. In case you don’t know, that’s when a woman comes along who accidentally happens to be attracted to you, ends your sexual starvation, but you have to settle because maybe you don’t even really like or want her.
Sad, but for many men so true, because they lack the crucial skill of constantly bringing in new prospects. Anyway, there are some fun-da-mental rules for making pick-ups really effective and part of your daily reality.
Rule #1: Get yourself in the right frame of mind before you walk out the door!
Ok….I’ve harped on this before in my seminars and products. I’ll harp on it AGAIN. And I’ll harp on it till I’m dead and gone and PLAYING a harp: YOUR FRAME OF MIND IS CRUCIAL WHEN IT COMES TO MEETING AND ATTRACTING WOMEN!!!
Understanding that allows you to also see the single biggest and most common mistake guys make when it comes to meeting women, and it is this: They Are Relying On The Women Accepting Them To Make Them Feel Good Instead Of Walking Up To Women With A Good Feeling First!
Listen: YOU must first learn how to produce good feelings in your body and mind, and learn to enjoy the actual process of meeting women (it CAN be done!) BEFORE you can get good results.
Otherwise, you are relying on the WOMAN to make YOU feel good. And in that, case, no matter how clever the lines you say, who really has the power?
She does. NOT a good thing.
So you MUST learn to produce good feelings and states for yourself… BEFORE YOU EVEN WALK OUT THE FRIGGIN DOOR!
Now, listen. I’ve come up with plenty of tools for you to do this and this is so important I’m going to make it a topic of at least 2 issues of this newsletter. For now, just keep the principle in mind: You Must Go First By FEELING Good FIRST Before You Even Walk Out Your Door!
Like I said, there are ways to program your mind to do this, and in future issues, I will go into great detail and show you exactly how to do it.
For now though, one good way to do this is to make sure you have a life going on with things you enjoy, besides women.
Invest yourself in hobbies, find things you love, make sure you get adequate rest, and take care of your diet and physical health
Rule #2: Take into account and USE what the physical dictates and layout of the situation in which you find yourself.
Ok. This is actually a simple concept.
Let’s say you’re a lucky s.o.b., and, like me, you live right by a jog or bike path. Women are constantly skating, blading, running or biking right by you. And let’s say further, that you, like me, are a lazy son of a bitch and have no intention of moving your own fat ass via bike, blades, running etc.
Now, given that physical aspect of the situation and your own bone-deep sloth and aversion to movement, what do you have to do in order to meet and talk to these women?
Well, Buckwheat, what ya first and foremost gotta do is… Ya Gotta Get ‘Em To Stop!
That’s right. That beautimous and buxom babe in the halter top… that luscious blonde with the jog shorts so tight, her “camel-toe” is poking through the sheer fabric… they will never be riding your trouser pole UNLESS YOU CAN GET THEM TO STOP!
With that in mind, I have actually USED the following approach and ACTUALLY gotten it to work! I admit, as you read it, it seems crazy, and it isn’t for beginners. It’s one of those “don’t try this at home” unless you are a pro kind of things.
But it’s an illustration of an extreme example that does and can work and if I’m out there doing something THIS wacky, surely YOU can come up with something relatively sane by comparison.
Anyway…
I merely wait for a nice looking young lady to come jogging, blading or biking toward my stationary position along the path. I then jump out, hold out a hand and in my most authoritative tone yell: STOP! (This is actually pretty funny to watch. I have never had them NOT stop!)
I then say something like, “If you’re that easily stopped… you need a boyfriend who will MOTIVATE you! My name is Ross”.
Now, at this point, I bring into play…
Rule #3: Verbally Pace the Ongoing Situation
I cannot emphasize enough the power of this VERY important rule. Basically, what it means is to verbally describe and therefore ACKNOWLEDGE the situation and reality that she finds herself in with you. In the example above, where I’ve just jumped in her path and yelled “STOP”, what do you think this girl is thinking?
It’s a safe bet it is something along the lines of “this guy is fuckin’ nuts”!
So I better USE that instead of ignoring it.
I say something along these lines, “Look….I know this is a totally nutty way to meet someone (pacing her ongoing belief)… but I knew if I didn’t do SOMETHING to stop you, we’d never get a chance to talk (also completely true…a truism with which she cannot argue) and maybe see how much WE COULD REALLY LIKE EACH OTHER (embedded suggestion).
The principle here is VERY important. And that is… BY DEMONSTRATING UNDERSTANDING, YOU INCREASE RAPPORT!
Now, let me make something critically clear: I did NOT say demonstrate that YOU are “understanding, sensitive” etc.
I said demonstrate “understanding” of her ongoing reality and situation. Not in the sense of apologizing or excusing but simply that you are alert and AWARE of who she is and what she is experiencing. You then proceed to lead her where you WANT her to be!
Now, back to the idea of using the physical layout of where you are going to be meeting women:
Let’s say you are going to meet women in a coffee house or restaurant, two of my favorite places.
It’s important to be aware of the physical lay-out of the place.
As an example, when I go to the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, which has many branches here in L.A., I survey the place and try to find what I call “the catbird seat”.
In case you don’t know, the “cat bird” is the bird in the flock that is always given the high ground and best perch. Why?
Because it is his job to stay on the look out for the cat and warn all the other birds that it is time to take off!
So when I walk into a Coffee Bean (or any other place like it) I always look for the seat in the place that will give me the best view of anyone who walks in the door. This means I can see anyone who is standing in line, and make eye contact with them for a sustained period of time.
If you are sitting in a restaurant, a good idea is to sit at the bar at a spot near the take out order spot, if you can and if they have one.
As an example, the California Pizza Kitchen restaurant chain almost always will have a take out spot or window inside the restaurant, right near the bar where you can sit and eat.
This way, you can easily talk to and meet every woman waiting in the take out line, which can be huge at the right time of day.
Is this simple and is this making sense. I know it might seem too easy, but little things like this can make a huge difference.
One other example before we move on-at a party, the best spot to hang out is right by the bathroom. Women have notoriously small bladders when they are drinking a lot, and almost every girl there is going to have to get into your space sooner or later if you park your horny ass near the bathroom!
Now let me round this issue off by talking about… MY FAVORITE PLACES TO MEET WOMEN!
As I’ve said before and will say again, I usually avoid going to “singles” type places to meet women. That includes clubs, singles bars, etc.
I’m aware that some guys love, even excel at these places, and more power to them, but for the most part, I avoid them.
Why? Well, first of all, I’m now 45 years old. And I just look totally out of place.
Just as important: they are noisy and I don’t want to shout to be heard. My voice is my livelihood and my instrument, damn it. Also they are loaded with DRUNKEN people, and no offense to you if you are bit buzzed reading this, but I HATE BEING AROUND DRUNK PEOPLE!
Finally, it is exactly in these kinds of places that women are extra suspicious and EXTRA on guard. And in a club or bar, many otherwise friendly and nice women believe. THEY HAVE A LICENSE TO ACT LIKE C**TS!
Don’t get me wrong. What I teach CAN and DOES work in these places. I just don’t go there and don’t recommend that you do either.
Ok. So here are some of my favorite places where I go and where I recommend YOU go to meet women:
• Restaurants with attached bars.
These places are often great Tues-Thursday nights, around 6-8:30 PM. Especially upscale places, they cater to a professional crowd. Some VERY nice looking women looking to unwind after work. Also often these places serve as a meeting ground for women having bachelorette parties.
• Coffee houses like Starbucks, Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, etc.
Great from 8-10:30 AM every day of the week. After 9am you are more likely to get women who work in retail, outside sales like pharmaceutical reps, self-employed, students etc.
• Supermarkets- M-F noon to around 1:30 PM.
Women on their lunch hours pop into buy things. M-Thurs 6-830 PM. Sat 10AM-noon, same for Sundays.
• Shopping Malls
This is a no-brainer. If they have a good food court and are near offices, then noon till 1:30 PM, M-F. Hit the food courts and forget most of the rest of the stores. Other good times: Tues-Thurs 630-8PM and Sat afternoons.
• *Self-Improvement seminars
If you live anywhere NEAR a major U.S. city, chances are Tony Robbins will be hosting an event. Now, I don’t think Tony is the best seminar investment…MY seminars would fall into that category.
However, his seminars are LOADED to the gunwales with good-looking, SUGGESTIBLE women. And hell, you don’t even have to actually sign up. Just find out where they are being held, hang out in the lobby of the hotel and swoop in on the women during the coffee, tea and dinner breaks.
• Yoga Classes
Unbelievable amounts of hard-bodied, open-minded, amazing looking and obscenely flexible women. Take a beginners class if you’ve never done it before and you’ll met lots of women, who are also VERY suggestible and open to “new ways” of thinking. Especially look for a studio that is located near a coffee or tea place, because many women will head over to such a place after a class to refresh themselves.
OK, that’s it for now… look for the next issue where I will continue on this theme of how to meet women, anytime, anywhere, USING YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR!
Until then,
Piece and peace,
Ross
P.S. Want real success and power with the women of your choice, instead of the women you have to settle for? Your Speed Seduction® Home Study Course is waiting for you! Just go to http://www.seduction.com/products/rj87.asp today! Notice: this newsletter, and all contents are copyright 2004, Ross Jeffries. This newsletter may be reprinted, reposted or republished in any format or forum, without prior consent, provided it is given away for free, all links and notices are kept intact, and that proper credit is given for authorship. In the event you are reading this newsletter from a third-party website, you may subscribe for free at http://www.seduction.com.
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Nathan Patmor
167
25 7

I read the other day that the majority of American’s regularly have sex in just a few positions. Well, if that’s true, its time to shake things up! This article is on g spot positions. These are our favorite ways of hitting the g-spot during sex.
If you like boring, normal sex, that lasts just 5 – 10 minutes, don’t read this page. If you’re feeling more adventurous, and are ready to blow your mind then please, proceed!
So, the first step in hitting your g spot during sex is to know where it is! For a refresher course, check out this page on the g spot location. You also may want to try a finding the g spot exercise first.
From here on, we’re going to assume that you (and your partner) know where your g-spot is, and how to best stimulate it to give you pleasure.
Now that that’s all taken care of – lets focus on g spot positions. The first step is to recognize that the g spot, or g spot area, is small and not always in the same place. So, throughout your sex you’ll both need to be communicating. What works, what feels good, what doesn’t, a little to the right, a little to the left, etc.
In the beginning, as you explore different g spot positions, its likely best if you agree not to have orgasms. We’ve found this makes it easy to have a sense of exploration and play.
And, without further delay, here are our three favorite g spot positions. Enjoy!
Ride ‘Em Cowboy (Woman on Top)
I have to say there’s something so sexy about a woman being on top, in charge of finding what feels the best. Really, this position is ideal because it allows the woman to control the depth, intensity, and speed. It gives you the ability to play, and explore, and notice how much more pleasure comes from subtle differences.
As you are on top, experiment with what feel’s best to you. Move, shift, tell your partner what feel’s good, rock back and forth, take it deep, keep it shallow, etc. This will likely work best if you are already aroused and hot. (This is true with all these g spot positions)
Now, as the guy in this position, you’re not just laying back passively (thought that is fine to do – just not now!). What will help your partner most is if you tilt your pelvis as much as possible. The more you can do this, the better.
You’ll also get a great workout! : )
Unfortunately, if you are anything like me, you’ll get super tired super quick. In the beginning we used to use alot of pillows to try to angle my hips. Lately, we’ve really been enjoying something called the wedge, its a liberator shape. This small shape puts your pelvis in the perfect tilted position without you having to do any work.
I know it sounds crazy, but the small, subtle positioning this enables, makes all the difference. If you want to find out more about liberator shapes, their website is www.liberatorshapes.com.
Doggy Style (Crouching, Man Coming from Behind)
This is one of our favorite g spot positions. Not only do you have great g-spot access, but there’s just something so primal andsexy about *&#*! from behind.
Now, guys, in this position you can take it easy and let her do all the work. In this case, ladies, use your thighs to press back and find the depth, thrust style, and position that works best for you.
However, guys, if you want to be more active, you can easily adapt this position. Push your woman down, and lay more on top of her (still coming in from behind)
Now, for the best g spot stimulation, position your legs outside of hers and put more of your weight forward, so you are riding her from up higher.
This puts your penis on more of a downward angle, and helps you hit her g-spot more directly. You can also experiment with having her legs more open, or more closed to see what feels best.
We’ve also been using the liberator shape – the wedge – in this position too. We found if we put that underneath my girlfriend, it gives her hips a particular tilt that totally amp things up.
Your Highness (Man Kneeling or Standing, Woman’s Legs on His Shoulders)
We love this sex position. With many g spot positions you can’t look each other in the eyes. With this one, we recommend it. Also, when you want to hit the g spot, having your legs high and wide is the secret ingredient. Sometimes putting your feet on your partner’s shoulders can be the most comfortable (its also just super sexy!)
Now, you can do this position in lots of ways. You can do it off your sofa, a chair, or your coffee table (we won’t tell!). Or, you can modify it to work off your bed by kneeling vs standing. The only real key to this position is that your partner is angled upward, with her legs spread wide or on your shoulders. You can achieve this combination in lots of different ways (be creative!)
Well, these are our three favorite g spot positions, and I hope you try them out and enjoy!ZZZ

Frederic Madore
158
25 7

When contemplating this question, it might occur to you eventually that dating could actually be both. After all, teenagers and those in their adult years have gone through this rite of passage called dating, and this is a natural activity, just as social interaction is part of every person’s life.
While all our actions go through the cause and effect wheel, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t enjoy a good date as much as your next-door neighbor.
There are probably a lot of questions in your mind -should you be a first-timer teen, or someone who’s gone back to the dating pool -regarding dating. But don’t fret! Here are some basic pointers on how to go about dating the hassle-free way:
Contemplate your reasons.
Just why are you deciding to whirl into the world of dating? It could be that you are looking for that special someone, make new friends and acquaintances, get intimate with someone, or simply experience what it’s like to date. You could even be doing it for more complicated reasons -to try to forget your ex, find someone to marry, to hook up with that person you’ve been attracted to for years. Whatever the reason is, just make sure that it still borders on the healthy and positive. Date for the right reasons, reasons that will enrich your life and let you have fun. Most all, do it for yourself, and not just because you are being pressured into doing it.
Find your prospects.
If you’ve already gone through the first tip, then we’re already in business! The good news is, this dating step is relatively easier. The advent of the world wide web has ensured that you can go online and sign up for dating and matching services in a matter of minutes. You’ll find that there are quite a lot of people out there who are also looking for people to meet, date and have fun with.
Prep up your online profile and advertise, advertise, and advertise some more! Chances are, after wading through all the email from your prospective dates, you’ll have quite a handful that you will want to meet up with. And if you’re not an internet fan, you could also try the old-fashioned way of having your friends set you up with common friends. This has the added advantage of meeting up with someone who’s not actually a total stranger -and if you have any awkward moments during the date, you could always start off the conversation by talking about your mutual friends.
The big “D”.
It’s finally time for what you have started to refer to as “The Date” -and you find that you’re actually nervous. Don’t panic. Things are about to get more exciting. But first, some practical dating concerns:
1. It would be best to set the date in a place considered common ground. This way, you have the security of being able to get away in case something goes wrong. His or her pad may be totally romantic, but make sure to make safety your first priority. There are still a lot of odd characters out there, after all.
2. It’s also the best time to make sure you’re clean and presentable. Even if you don’t have the funds to splurge on that fabulous outfit, nothing beats over-all, good hygiene. Fashionable shoes can only do so much if you didn’t even bother to brush your teeth. Dress as the occasion calls for. After all, getting ushered out of that fancy bistro for not following the dress code bombs out your date before it even begins.
3. Even before you start being charming to your date, make sure you extend the most gracious gesture of all, which is to arrive on time. This is one of the most basic dating etiquette you must adhere to. Not only does this ensure that you don’t end up with a grumpy date, you’ll also be able to let your date know that you put in some effort by being there on time.
4. All you need to be successful in dating is to be as courteous to your date as you, yourself, wish to be treated. From here on and after, matters would already depend on how you interact and, more importantly, if you two have any chemistry. But for now, best relax and try to have as much fun as you can.

Alison Edwards
523
25 7

Dating can be stressful but first dates can be particularly painful and nerve wrecking. Follow my simple tips to getting ready for a date and before you know it you’ll be breezing through first dates with you’re only concern being what to wear on your second date.
1. Don’t stress!
First of all, try not to stress yourself out. Tell yourself, it’s only a date and if it doesn’t work out, so what?
2. Easy on the wedding plans
You may laugh but don’t start planning your wedding! We’ve all been there; dreaming that this could be the one, that you’ll fall in love after a whirlwind romance and get married… and all before you’ve ordered your starter! Obviously, it’s good to be positive but just take each day as it comes in the early stages otherwise you could be heading for disappointment.
3. Listen to music
Listen to some music whilst you’re getting ready; whatever gets you in the mood for a night out and relaxes you.
4. Soak in a bath
If you have time, take a long soak in the bath with a small glass of wine to relax you. I emphasise the word “small”; you don’t want to turn up drunk or smelling of alcohol.
5. Subtle make-up
Girls, try to keep your make-up subtle. The majority of men don’t like to see make-up caked on and if you do happen to snuggle up to your date, he won’t be too impressed if you leave make-up on his collar. As a basic rule, if you’re going for smoky eyes, keep your lips natural with a lick of gloss and if you’re opting for the red Monroe pout then keep your eyes natural.
6. Hair to go
You don’t want a high maintenance hair style that has you running to the toilet every two minutes to check it’s in place so stick to what you know suits you and what you feel comfortable with. Also, easy on the hair products in case your date decides to run his fingers through your hair and gets them stuck!
7. What to wear?
Don’t wear anything too revealing on a first date as it could give out the wrong impression. Remember you can still look sexy without revealing all your goods; less is more!
Decide what you’re going to wear in advance so you’re not in a last minute panic with a bedroom floor covered in reject outfits. The main thing is to feel comfortable in what you’re wearing so you look relaxed; fidgeting with straps and pulling down your hemline every few minutes doesn’t look good.
Your choice of outfit will obviously depend on where you are going; if it’s fancy restaurant then you can glam it up but if it’s a lunchtime date or the cinema then dress it down accordingly.
8. Killer heels or comfy flats?
As for shoes, heels look great but only if you can walk in them so only wear shoes that you are comfortable in. Also, don’t wear new shoes in case you get blisters on the night. Again, your choice of shoes will depend on where you are going so dress for the venue.
9. Fresh breath
Don’t forget to clean your teeth and rinse with a mouthwash. It may sound obvious but so many people forget. Also, keep a packet of mints or chewing gum in your bag in case you need to freshen up later.
10. Aroma, aroma!
Once you’re ready, don’t forget to squirt a bit of your favourite perfume behind the ears and on your wrist (these are the strongest pulse points). Don’t go overboard, the key is to have an aroma about you, not to overpower him with your scent.
11. Arrange transport
Book a taxi or arrange for someone to give you a lift so you get to your meeting place in plenty of time. I wouldn’t advise accepting any offer to pick you up or take you home until you’ve got to know him.
12. Keep the conversation flowing
Give some thought to what you’re going to talk about. Obviously, you can’t plan it word for word but think about things you want to find out about him and questions you could ask to keep the conversation flowing. If you know a good joke, it’s always good to throw that in at some point in the evening to lighten the mood.
13. A kiss goodnight – no more!
Don’t feel pressured into going back to his place or inviting him into yours and certainly don’t feel pressured into having sex! I think it’s best to end the evening with a goodnight kiss so you both leave each other wanting more and more importantly eager to arrange that second date. If you can’t trust yourself to resist his charm go unshaven in the nether regions so that way you won’t be tempted to go any further than a kiss!
14. Watch your drink
Don’t drink excessively! It’s easy to drink faster and more than you would normally because of your nerves but try and pace yourself and if you do feel yourself getting more than tipsy, drink some water.
Also, if you don’t know your date well take your drink with you when you go to the toilets; with so many drinks being spiked in bars these days it’s better to be safe than sorry.
15. Tell a friend
Tell a friend or family member where you’re going and who with and let them know when you’ve arrived home safe.
16. Have fun
Finally, don’t forget to enjoy yourself and have fun! ZZZ

Paul Kevin
656
25 7

Not all the Gay sites that now proliferate on the internet are well put together and you cannot always rely on them for a pleasant experience! Whilst all the Gay dating sites will clearly not be the same we should consider some basic requirements.
Gay dating sites differ in many aspects including the facilities they provide, the demographics they cater for, the way they allow contact between the members, membership fee, the option of matchmaking and many other aspects. You can choose the best Gay dating site for you by considering these areas to ensure that they meet your requirements.
If you are interested in meeting potential gay partners of a particular age, race or creed then you can look for those sites that have the selective search facility. Many of the sites simply put a list of other people looking for someone, which can create some problems in getting started. However, there are sites available through which you can search using pre-defined criteria. This kind of facility increases the efficiency of the whole process and generally these sorts of sites will attract more people and therefore increase the possibility of finding someone from those who register with them.
Another factor that is important when choosing when deciding which site to use is the nature of and extent to which contact is allowed between the members. Of course it entirely depends on how you want to deal with this issue. There are sites that strictly safeguard personal information like telephone numbers and addresses. However, there are sites that have the facility of private chat rooms that allow sharing of personal details when you feel comfortable doing so. Clearly choosing a site that allows intimate contact may work in your favour as well as against you. The restrictions placed on contact are put in place as a safety measure and it may sometimes restrict your access if you really want to make contact with a potential partner. You should carefully consider the different options available to you before you register yourself with a site to ensure that you are completely happy with the way the site operates.
There are others features that are equally important in choosing a Gay dating site. There can be hundreds if not thousands of profiles available on a gay dating site and it can be tiresome to work your way through them to find a match for yourself. However, some sites offer matchmaking facilities through which you get qualified gay prospects that match with your specific profile. This saves your time and you can get on with the business of meeting potential partners as soon as possible. It is important to analyze the kind of profiles that are displayed on a site before you register. It is important because some sites have pictures enticing you to join the site and then you find that none of the people really exist!
Most importantly, you will want to choose a gay dating site that is user friendly. Some sites are difficult to work with whereas some gay dating sites are smooth platforms which enable you to easily interact and chat with others. Additional features like dating tips and articles can increase the value of the site and many people (especially new users) prefer these kinds of sites. If the sites allow a trial period then using them before paying for it is preferable. For a perfect gay online dating experience it is essential to find a gay dating site that meets your needs!

David Steele
334
25 7

To celebrate the first printing this month of Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today’s World, I ask your indulgence as I share some of the journey that brought this book from idea to reality eight years later. In 1997 I was a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice burning out on working with couples on the verge of divorce. I discovered the emerging field of personal/life coaching and became excited about applying coaching to relationships. In trying to figure out how to do this I had an epiphany- SINGLES BECOME COUPLES! In my twenty years as a therapist on a mission to lower the divorce rate, it had never occurred to me to work with singles. I knew very little about how singles could successfully find their life partner, so I started reading all the self-help books I could find on the subject. I was appalled at how much bad and misguided advice for singles that I found. It seemed that most books for singles were written by lay people (non-relationship professionals) that narrowly focused on “hooking up” (how to flirt, how to “get” a man, etc) and had little to offer about how singles could find and have a successful, sustainable, and fulfilling relationship. So, I scratched my head, sat down with a legal pad, and asked myself “What do singles need to know and do to find their life partner?” Starting literally from a blank slate, drawing upon my own life, my training as a therapist and coach, and my years of experience specializing in relationships, I started mapping out some disconnected concepts and ideas such as: • Need to start with a Vision
• Must be clear about life purpose
• Make relationship choices aligned with Requirements, Needs, and Wants
• Dating Traps- ways that singles set themselves up for failure
• Attraction Venues- the people you meet depends upon where you meet them
• Need a Relationship Plan- “when you fail to plan, you plan to fail”
• Need to be self-aware, conscious, and informed about relationships
• Four steps to finding your life partner- scouting, sorting, screening, and testing
• More than one kind of dating relationship- recreational, committed, “mini-marriage”
Whew! My creative juices were flowing, and before I knew it I had written a transcript and went to a recording studio to create a cassette tape to promote my relationship coaching- Finding the Love of Your Life and the Life That You Love. I gave this tape to everyone that came to my weekly singles events (conducted with my new business partner Marvin Cohen), and was astounded by their feedback. They loved it! I heard comments such as “This tape saved my life!” Wow… I figured I was on to something. Many of the concepts and ideas resonated strongly with singles, such as dating traps, requirements, and such, but the one that seemed get the most response was “Be The Chooser.” Right then, I knew I had to turn this stuff into a book. How? The prospect was scary- I’d written and published many articles, but I’d never written a book before. So many pages! Then I thought, “Well, a book is not going to lower the divorce rate by itself. Singles really need coaching and support to make effective choices.” Then I had a blasphemous thought for a budding author- “If you could ‘get it’ from a book, the world’s problems would be solved!” So I rationalized that I didn’t need to write a book, and instead used these concepts and ideas to create a “Relationship Success Training for Singles” (RESTS) and started offering classes, workshops, and individual coaching using this step-by-step program. Other professionals liked what I was doing and I got the idea to train and license them to use this program, which led to Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI). As I trained more and more of my colleagues in using the RESTS program with singles, and Marvin and I continued our work with singles locally, I received lots of feedback and ideas for refinement. After working with the original RESTS program for a couple of years, Marvin and I collaborated on a revised edition (which earned him co-author credit) and then again a few years later yet another revised edition. My master plan was to make relationship coaching as ubiquitous as McDonald’s by training and licensing my fellow therapists and coaches all over the world through Relationship Coaching Institute. But it became clear that if I really wanted to lower the divorce rate, a book would reach more people than I was able. Overwhelmed at the idea of putting all these ideas into a coherent book, I asked around for referrals and hired Cindy Barrilleaux and Garry Cooper to help me put together a book proposal, which ended up being a two year project due to my juggling my practice, RCI, and other projects, such as a side trip into helping RCI coaches build successful practices by developing two practice building programs and writing two books on practice-building. Then, I needed to find an agent. Again, with juggling my commitments, this ended up being a two year process. My initial excitement about finally landing a high-powered New York agent fizzled out quickly when the agent stopped returning my calls after the book was rejected by ten publishers. The feedback from the publishers was mostly complimentary about the content of the book, but pessimistic about its prospects in a marketplace “saturated” by other books for singles. I knew this book was different and needed, but they didn’t get it, and my agent apparently gave up trying, so I let her go and decided to self-publish. So, about half the book was written in the form of the book proposal, and I needed to buckle down and write the other half. I had high ambitions for this book to be a best seller and wanted it to be fun and enjoyable to read as well as informative. After reading “One Minute Millionaire” and getting caught up in the story that illustrated the concepts, I decided to include stories of real singles that have used the RESTS program to help them find their life partner. However, I knew my limits- I was not a story-writer! After reviewing more than 50 applicants (lots of hungry writers out there!) and interviewing ten finalists, I hired Rachel Sarah. Rachel and I worked together for (yet again!) two years. First finding and interviewing singles who graduated the RESTS program, then working through all 16 chapters one at a time to weave the stories throughout the book and flesh out the content of each chapter. We developed a routine where she would interview me and write a draft, then I would edit her draft and add to it until I was satisfied with the chapter, then move to the next chapter. In addition to doing a great job writing up the stories of the singles we chose to feature in the book, Rachel was great in helping me to continue forward momentum while I was (still!) juggling all my other commitments. To sum up, here is an approximate timeline-
1997-Present: Design and test concepts with Marvin Cohen and RCI coaches
1999-2000: Write proposal with Cindy Barrilleaux and Garry Cooper
2001-2002: Get agent, crash and burn, decide to self-publish
2003-2005: Finish writing with Rachel Sarah, get self-publishing guidance (Jim Donovan), hire editor (Melanie Rigney) and designers (Cathi Stevenson and Judi Lake), decide upon printer and fulfillment house (Fidlar-Doubleday) and publish! As you can see, it’s been a long journey and I’ve had lots of help.
How did this book write itself? Well, I did put a lot of writing and work into this book project, but it seemed to write itself because-
1. I had the help and support of talented people who believed in this book project
2. My passion and commitment to this project provided plenty of energy and motivation
3. Through RCI I had solid experience with singles testing the ideas in the book, and training/collaborating with many other professionals
It seemed like I was more of a sculptor chipping away to allow the book to take its own shape, rather than an author writing a book from scratch or a painter starting with a blank canvas. So this month, October 2005, I’m celebrating the completion of an eight-year journey, grateful to be blessed with this mission, hopeful this book will make a significant contribution in helping singles find their life partner and lower the divorce rate; and as I work with my publicist Penny Sansevieri, I’m very aware that my commitment to the success of this book is just beginning. And you know what? It’s a good book! I enjoy reading it, especially the stories, which really bring the material to life. I’m not too macho to admit that I get choked up every time I read the way the stories end in the epilogue. It’s especially poignant for me because I know these singles having interviewed them, and it feels wonderful that the strategies in this book really made a difference in helping them finding their life partner and live a fulfilling life. It’s not often in the helping profession that we get to learn the results of our work a year or more later, and to really know that our support actually had a successful outcome down the road for our clients. Enjoy th!

Caterina Christakos
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Most of us walk around caught up in our own thoughts. We don’t look at people as we walk down the street and we have the radio blasting in the car so we don’t even notice those single, sexy individuals in the cars next to us.
Tip #1 Get out of your head and into your environment.
Instead of saying that there aren’t any available guys out there, why not take your head out of your book at Barnes and Noble and notice if anyone is noticing you?
There are probably plenty of attractive men out there dying to ask you out. Your body language may be part of the reason why they don’t.
Tip #2 Have open body language. This means no crossed arms. No hiding behind books. No hunching your shoulders.
Tip #3 Make eye contact. Instead of looking down when a cute guy looks at you, meet his gaze. The right eye contact can be sexier than the hottest verbal conversations.
Tip #4 Smile more. Studies have proven that a smiling face is thought to be friendlier and more attractive than someone who goes around with a tight jaw. Relax your jaw and allow your lips to be at least partly parted at all times. Notice the difference in how many more people smile, look your way and approach you.